Unexpected Joy

Agingparents

Dec 13

The last time my father and I had a real conversation was in July when he was in the hospital.

During that visit, my dad got diagnosed with lymphoma, which added to his long list of existing medical issues.

Since then he’s been in and out of the hospital, ER and nursing home, and finally made it back home about two months ago.

At times my father, who has a PhD in engineering and published numerous papers in his career, lost his ability to stand, walk, dress, bathe, use a toilet, talk, feed himself, etc. Doctors diagnosed him with “severe” dementia rather than the confusion we thought he had. He now requires 24/7 care because he’s at risk of falling.

My dad’s condition has been very up and down these past few months and since July my father has not said my name and rarely speaks to me (or anyone else) during my almost weekly visits.

So when I went over to visit this weekend to relieve my mom of her caregiving duties, I was shocked.

My mom went to church and left me alone as The Caregiver for the first time since July.

I heard a faint beeping and ran to my dad’s room to see if it was the bed alarm, signaling that he had woken up and was attempting to get out of bed. I rushed in to make sure he didn’t fall.

He saw me, uttered a surprised “Oh”, and smiled. (He almost never smiles or laughs anymore.)

Then my 9-year-old ran in, and he started to laugh.

And finally my 4-year old bounded in, and his gave a full out laugh.

It was the first time I heard him laugh so much in a long time.

“Alice,” he said. “And your sister. Two dolls, so cute.”

I smiled, thinking he was referring to my sister and me as dolls. And then I realized he was talking about my daughters.

I’d never gotten my dad ready in the morning and my mom didn’t have time to train me before she left, so the first thing I did was grab my dad’s wheelchair and bring it to his bed.

But he said, “Bring me my clothes.”

I had forgotten to change him out of his pajamas.

But the thing that delighted me was that he was cognitively sharp enough to speak to me in a complete sentence and give me instructions.

So I brought him his clothes and he dressed himself.

He was even also able to stand with his walker twice, tell me that his catheter was causing pain, and independently shuffle a few steps to his wheelchair.

(This sounds so basic but just last week he had lost the ability to walk due to an infection, went to the hospital for 5 days, and couldn’t walk when he came out. Being able to stand and shuffle with a walker takes a tremendous amount of strength so I was thrilled.)

My dad proceeded to use his feet to “walk” his wheelchair to the dining table, where I brought him breakfast and he fed himself.

My daughters and I sat down to eat with him and my four-year old started playing a game where she repeatedly threw a towel over my head.

Normally I would get irritated and tell her to stop, but I was so happy at my dad’s good mood and progress I let my daughter keep playing.

And then I heard another unexpected sound - my dad erupting in laughter at my daughter’s antics.

“She’s making Mommy into a nun,” he said.

He laughed so continuously that my daughters and I started debating whether they were allowed to throw the towel on my dad’s head.

We were nervous he’d get grouchy.

So my 9-year old gingerly draped the towel on my dad’s head…

And he laughed.

“Now Grandpa’s a nun,” he said.

I spent 6 hours cooking, cleaning, feeding and assisting my dad and my kids but I wasn’t irritated with all of the domestic work like I usually am at home.

Seeing my dad laughing, talking and humming brought me So. Much. Joy.

The joy lasted even after I came home.

Spending time with my parents and seeing how hard it is to age reminds me of how blessed I am to be able to walk, eat anything I want, cook, clean, and leave the house whenever I want (if I can convince my kids to come with me.) I can go to restaurants, have adventures, meet up with friends, drive and do so many things.

My dad can’t do much of anything right now.

And so I try to remind myself: Enjoy life today.

Do you (allow yourself to) enjoy life? What brings you the most joy in life?