How to Balance Eldercare, Childcare and Self Care
My dad has been acutely ill for the last 7 weeks and as caregivers (or at least the ones managing his care), my mom and I are starting to get tired.
When my dad first got sick, my oldest kid was in camp 40 hours a week but now she’s home doing independent study so we can still visit my dad who’s on chemo and has a compromised immune system.
What that means is I spend my days juggling my kids schooling, supporting my mom with logistics and visiting my parents regularly.
That’s happening on top of my consulting work and day-to-day household logistics — you get the picture.
I hit a low point this weekend when I heard a podcast interview with a mom of two who launched a “successful” company, on top of being a social media influencer with 5 million followers.
Her advice to moms?
“Prioritize yourself.”
Uh… right.
When do I get to focus on myself - my desires, interests and projects?
I unpacked my frustration with my therapist today and here’s what I learned:
Analyze the To-Do List
A lot of my mental and emotional energy is spent helping my mom with her to-do list.
She’s the primary person managing my dad’s care and she’s stressed out with everything from finances, to hiring sitters to ensure my dad gets to eat at the nursing facility.
(The Certified Nursing Assistants (CNAs) don’t have time to ensure my dad eats so if he’s sleeping, they put food down and remove it before he wakes up. Then he’s hungry.)
My mom also has other things on her to-do list, like calling her home warranty company to get reimbursed for a broken door lock, visiting other facilities that can take care of my dad if he leaves the SNF, calling the desk nurse to ask about my dad’s bed sores, etc.
Since my mom seems so stressed, I’ve been offering to help her make calls.
But in speaking with my therapist, I realized that some of the items on my mom’s list are unnecessary.
For example, the home warranty company - what she wants from them would be an exception to their policies. I already called, spoke to someone, waited an hour to speak with a manager and was hung up on. I don’t think her request will get approved so I need to let her handle that task.
Also, my mom is still capable of making calls so I need to focus on things that only I can do.
I will offer support in the ways that I can, to the best of my ability, but I can’t do everything.
Observe and Ask Questions
Another way we are trying to outsource more is to have the Skilled Nursing Facility (SNF) address our concerns, rather than hiring sitters or trying to visit the SNF several times a day to manage our dad’s care ourselves.
We started out asking for what we wanted, like having the CNAs wake my dad and help him eat, or having them put him on the commode so he doesn’t get bed sores and diaper rashes.
But we realized they would say “yes” and then not be able to do it. It’s to be expected - people are busy and it’s a tough job.
My therapist suggested telling the nurse our observations, like “Dad looks cold”, and asking them how to address the concern.
That way, they have the power and control, rather than us trying to manage everything.
That’s strategy has been going pretty well.
Childcare and Self Care
Despite everything going on with my dad, my therapist reminds me that I still need to live my life.
Just because my dad is in a nursing home does not mean everything has to revolve around that situation.
I still need to maintain enough energy to parent my kids, be a wife, and live my life.
She added that stress really depletes people of energy so I need to focus on self care.
I’m still figuring out how to live my life, and I’m also reminding myself that all of this is for a season.
How about you - have you ever been in a situation where you’ve had to provide care to your parents or other ill family members? How did you balance that with all of your other responsibilities and taking care of yourself?
READ MORE…
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How to Cope When Your Parent Has Cancer
Don’t Google… and Other Tips for Supporting an Acutely Sick Family Member
