Grow a Backbone

“That sounds harsh, I know,” said my therapist, right after she told me to Grow. A. Backbone. “I’m trying to jolt you into remembering.”

I had just finished telling her about a “friend” who repeatedly did not value my time.

My therapist told me people don’t change unless they’re uncomfortable. So, she encouraged me to cause the person some discomfort.

I was hesitating because I don’t like it when people are “mad at me”.

My therapist told me I needed to learn how to be comfortable with uncomfortable feelings. She said the other person was more comfortable with uncomfortable feelings, so I was always the one changing. My therapist wanted me to grow stronger so when we have a conflict, I’m not always caving.

So I did it. I gave the other person feedback and drew a boundary.

I was very stressed the first day. Not as stressed the second. And now, zero stress.

I was worried if I drew a boundary it would break the relationship and there are commitments the other person and I still need to work on together.

My therapist corrected my All-or-Nothing Thinking and told me even though I drew a boundary in one area, we could still work together in another.

Since that Grow-a-Backbone session, that phrase has been my mantra.

I’ve realized I experience a lot of stress because I don’t value my own needs enough.

Now when I face an uncomfortable situation, I’m trying to choose the Backbone solution.

I’m willing to cause short-term discomfort for my own long-term peace.

Many Asian-American women are raised to accommodate. Do you need to grow in this area? For those of you who “have backbones”, how did you get them?