Trust Yourself - Stop Gaslighting Yourself
A vendor at the farmer’s market suggests what to buy and I agree — even though I had specifically requested something else.
An adult woman is consistently making my daughter uncomfortable.
A “friend” and I have an unbalanced relationship… for over 15 years.
These are just a few of the ways I’ve discovered I’ve been accommodating other people recently.
I do it because I want people to “like me” and see me as “flexible”. I don’t want to “hurt feelings”. I don’t want to be “selfish” or “petty”. I don’t want to “make people angry”.
Maybe I’m “wrong” and they’re “right”, I tell myself after I talk with them and let myself be convinced of their “truth”.
It’s the “Christian thing to do” - love people, die to ourselves, lay down our lives for others — just like Jesus.
My therapist has recently pointed out that I discount my needs and emotions, and tell myself they’re not valid.
Even though I’m uncomfortable, I stuff those feelings because I’m afraid of doing the “wrong” thing — in situations where there is no right or wrong.
I want to start noticing more when I’m uncomfortable.
And to be okay with enduring the discomfort of drawing a boundary and standing up for myself — and my children.
I know things are getting out of hand when recently my daughter told me about the adult woman who’s been following her around and trying to talk to her when she’s at the park playing with our sitters and her friends.
This woman (who I think is neurodiverse and harmless) follows my daughter for hours.
I’ve met the woman before and while I felt uncomfortable, she seemed friendly.
But recently my daughter told me when she asked the woman, “If I told you to stop following me around, would you?”
“I might,” the woman said. “Or I might not.”
When I picked up my daughter that day, she told me to tell the woman to stop following her.
We were about the leave the park so I hesitated.
Would we hurt this woman’s feelings? What if my daughter changed her mind?
And later, I told my daughter, “I think this woman is lonely and wants friends. It would be nice for you to be kind to her. Maybe let her just be in your presence while you play with your friends?”
But later I discussed the matter with my husband, and also my therapist.
We decided that while it’s good for my daughter to learn how to interact with different types of people, because the woman is an adult and my daughter is a child, I won’t put it on a child to be an adult’s friend.
I’m working with our sitters to ensure my daughter has more attention from them and does not play with the neurodiverse woman if my daughter chooses not to do that.
That incident made me realize how far my radar is off in wanting to “make people happy” and “feel loved”.
What’s helping me lately is realizing:
1.) Negative emotions are a signal that something is not right.
I grew up in a chaotic environment where negative emotions - meant to protect us - were regularly ignored.
We had to deny our negative emotions in order to survive.
I’m in a more stable and loving environment now so I can acknowledge my emotions, examine them, and try to do things to make them better.
Even though other people may invalidate my emotions and perspetives, what I feel is my experience.
No one can argue with it.
It’s okay - and important - for me to take care of myself.
2.) I want to model healthy boundaries for my kids.
I hear myself teaching my daughter the very same principles I learned growing up — and I do not want to raise people pleasers.
I don’t know if the Chinese culture values codependency (giving up individual needs / wants for the “greater good” of society and parents. Obedience = good children. Parents are always right, no matter what. If you’re not good (a.k.a. obedient), we won’t love you. Is this all Chinese? Or just what I’ve observed in my limited sample size?)
It’s not working for me because it’s causing too much drama for me.
If I don’t do draw boundaries for myself, I want to do it as an example for my kids.
Becoming a parent has forced me to really work on my own issues so I don’t pass them along to my kids.
3.) Reflect and Seek Wise Counsel
Since I’ve been constantly invalidated, by others and myself, sometimes it’s hard to know my wants and needs.
When that happens I typically try to get off of my electronics so I can pause and journal to figure things out.
Walks also help, and just asking myself what I need/want.
I also talk to wise counsel for a reality check.
I’ve learned you have to be very careful who you select, because the wrong people can invalidate you.
I typically try to find people with a healthy sense of boundaries and who live lives I’d like to emulate.
4.) Be kind - to myself.
After I talked to my husband about the woman at the park, I felt like a “bad mom” because I didn’t take action earlier. Even though the woman made me uncomfortable, I just passively allowed things to play out.
I always leaned towards allowing the woman to be comfortable, rather than valuing a sense of comfort for myself and my daughter.
It helped to talk to another mom friend who also goes to the park, and hear she also read the neurodiverse woman as harmless.
Rather than berating myself for not taking a stronger stance in protecting my kids earlier, I’m telling myself that my mom radar is working okay.
I handled things as they arose and now that I have new information, I’ll be more careful to protect my kids.
I’m working hard to change and do my best.
No one is perfect and awareness is the first step towards growth.
How about you - do you trust your instincts? I’ve heard when people grow up in unstable / unsafe environments, they may not even know what they want and need. How do you know what you want / need?
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