How to Be More Confident - Unexpected Tips from My Therapist

May 21

My parents had impossibly high standards and as a result, I always think I should be doing better.

Even though I am outwardly accomplished (Stanford grad, award-winning journalist who’s written for major news outlets and Apple, coach of admission coaches, etc.) I don’t think I’ve met my parents’ definitions of success (doctor / engineer.)

I recently asked my therapist how to be more confident.

For example, I run a podcast/blog, but I don’t particularly enjoy putting myself out there.

I’ve turned down magazine and podcast interviews because I’m nervous about how I’ll be portrayed. What if during a podcast interview I sound ineloquent or there’s no chemistry? What if a magazine journalist portrays me negatively or misquotes me?

I expected my therapist to do some deep healing exercise where I talked about intergenerational trauma and childhood wounds, and then reparented myself.

Instead, she started smiling when I mentioned my dilemma.

The first thing she said was, “What you’re going through is totally normal. Lots of people think like you, they just don’t talk about it.”

What?

I pushed her harder.

“I follow these Asian-American women on Instagram,” I said. “They’re so confident with their extreme opinions. I would never put out material like that.”

“You don’t know what they’re thinking on the inside,” my therapist said.

Since I live in the incredibly expensive Bay Area, I’m assuming my therapist works with a lot of very accomplished people who hustle hard to afford this place and to have money to see a therapist.

She knows all their secrets so I trust her on this.

Here are her tips on building confidence:

1.) Allow yourself to experience uncomfortable emotions

My therapist observed that I was raised to care about others’ emotions. (Don’t do that or people will be mad!)

She told me I needed to start a new habit: allow myself to experience uncomfortable emotions and figure out how to deal with them so I can see they’re not so bad.

2.) Change your definition of confidence

I didn’t understand how uncomfortable emotions would help me be more confident because I thought confidence was an unshakeable belief in myself, that I’d succeed in whatever I tried.

But my therapist defines confidence as adaptability and flexibility - figuring out ways to keep going even when things get tough.

She said the only way people can have unshakeable belief in themselves is if they’re already good at the thing they’re doing.

For the rest of us, we’re still figuring things out.

When we make mistakes, we take criticism from others and learn.

She gave an example: people often ask her to serve as a translator at her church. She’s not an expert but she does it because it’s needed. She often gets things wrong and people correct her, so she learns from it. She doesn’t mind, and when people criticize her a lot, she says they’re welcome to translate.

3.) Don’t think you need to be the best

My therapist says we don’t need to think we’re the best, or have to be the best, but just try our best.

That started to resonate because I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be one of the best. It’s an immense amount of pressure. (And how do you measure “the best” anyways? )

My therapist tells her kids she wants them to make mistakes because that’s how people get better.

——

The more we put ourselves out there and take risk, the more accustomed we get to uncomfortable feelings and seeing that we survive them.

We get stronger and can weather criticism better because we know what we’re thinking and don’t need to prove ourselves to others, especially since we can’t control what others think.

We can deal with things and not let them crush us, make mistakes and survive.

I’m going to guest on a podcast soon, I promise!

How do you define confidence and how do you think people can increase it?—-