Lessons from a Solo Weekend Away (Get Off My Phone)

How long can you be by yourself?

I’m an extreme extrovert so I dreaded being alone for my first weekend away from my kids in almost 4 years.

I’m already home solo with my kids most of the time, so the last thing I wanted was to be alone for a long period of time.

I did everything I could to avoid it, so I invited a friend on my trip (we stayed in separate rooms due to Covid precautions). My friend could only stay one night so she departed around 5 PM the second day.

This is where it gets uncomfortable — and interesting.

Sadly, I did everything I could to avoid thinking.

I ate dinner while semi-surfing my phone. I decided to join my regular prayer meeting by phone. Although I don’t normally watch TV, I did so for an hour, getting sucked into shows I didn’t even enjoy. (Did you know there’s a show on TLC where naked people trek barefoot for hours across the thorny desert floor, get heatstroke, and are bitten by bugs in every single crevice imaginable? Yeah, neither did I.)

After TV, I went on my phone some more, texting people and scrolling Facebook.

Before I knew it, it was 9:45p.

I finally started reading a book and got ready for bed.

In the morning I started reading again. But this time, I read books rather than my phone. It was 9a, so I had 3 hours before checkout.

I spent a short time in my Bible and then settled in to read The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry * (#ad) by John Mark Comer. That book is so convicting.

In the introduction, John Ortberg says hurry is “a state of frantic effort one falls into in response to fear, inadequacy, and guilt”.

The first part of the book talks about the impact of hurry - we lose direction in life, eventually losing our humanity and souls. The second portion talks about how to stop. Recommendations include solitude, sabbath, and taming technology.

I’d always assumed that my recent years of rushing, feeling like I’m constantly interrupted, rarely having a deep thought, were results of being a mom of young children who were “constantly” interrupting me.

But during that weekend away, I had an epiphany: the blame for my uneasiness, interruptions, restlessness and discontent was not my kids.

It was me.

I often distracted myself with my phone, and even when without the kids, I had to admit that I didn’t want to face my thoughts.

Smartphone Problem

I was always afraid I’d get sucked into my phone, so I held out from buying a smart phone until I had my second child, about 4 years ago. I told myself I wanted it for the camera.

Now I rarely use the camera, but I text, surf, check Facebook and Instagram, and listen to podcasts. All. The. Time. (Well, 3.5 hrs on a good day, 6 hours on a bad day.)

By the end of the evening my brain is so fried, I tell myself I can’t focus to read a book so I might as well check my social media.

Epiphany

At the hotel, I pulled up a high-backed chair and parked it in front of my bedroom windows. I basked in the early morning sunlight, admiring the bare, crooked branches of the statuesque trees and a magnificent patch of lush green grass, so rare in the drought tolerant landscaping of the Bay Area.

I journaled, reflected, and journaled some more.

I realized the main problem with being on my phone all the time was that I was being constantly bombarded with information. Random information that I didn’t need — or want — to know.

And more than that, I was filled with so many opinions from other people, I didn’t have the bandwidth or desire to formulate my own ideas.

By constantly being on my phone, I realized I was living my life reactively, influenced by other people’s values and goals.

By spending even a few hours unplugged, I realized I want to live a life that’s more proactive and intentional, in line with my values and goals.

And the only way to know that is by being alone with my thoughts, and being much more careful in choosing the information I allow to influence me.

Attempted Solutions

Since coming home I’ve attempted to do more of the following:

1.) Create Barriers

I’m trying my best to recreate a dumb phone.

I’ve turned my phone to grayscale since that supposedly decreases dopamine response.

I don’t listen to as many podcasts anymore, and when I do, I listen at regular speed instead of 1.5X.

I’ve blocked my Internet browser and logged out of Facebook, Instagram and email, so I have additional hurdles if I want to check any of those accounts mindlessly. (That has only semi-worked. I still unblock and login, but it’s a more conscious decision. At least that’s what I tell myself.)

2.) Attractive Alternatives

I know I’m on my phone a lot during the week because I crave novelty and human connection, two things which are difficult when I’m home alone with the kids.

So I’m trying to be more proactive about borrowing library books and scheduling social visits. I find books are typically much richer and more focused on my interests than random social media posts. And phone calls and in-person walks are much more satisfying than random conversations with strangers on Facebook.

3.) Schedule Reflection

When I have my sitter for 2 to 2.5 hours a day, I tell myself it’s actually a decent chunk of time where I could deeply reflect if I can force myself to put down my phone.

Having a sitter in the afternoon when I’m tired, “not in the mood”, and still getting interrupted by my kids is not perfect, but it’s better than nothing and I working with what I have.

And so I’m signing off of this post, to slow down, do yoga, breathe and reflect.

How are you able to manage your tech usage? What practices have you put in place to enable deep thinking and reflection?

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