Struggle to Keep Cool with Your Kids? Learn to Talk So People Can Hear You

Communication is the main thing my therapist has been teaching me these past few years.

Initially I found that odd because I’m a journalist and communications consultant, so I work with words and people hire me to teach them how to communicate.

But in pondering this, I realize that people pay me write and teach them how to write — not to speak.

There is a way to speak so people - your boss, co-workers, friends, spouse and kids - hear you.

Demanding Does Not Work

I grew up in a family where I was commanded what to do.

When people had conflict, they raised their voices and got more forceful.

And for my recent podcast episode, a friend and I were debating whether the title should be “How to Get What You Want Without Being a B!tch”, or “How to Get What You Want Without Being Perceived as a B!tch”. My friend’s argument for including the word “perceived” is because, she says, men have permission to be a b!tch whereas women are punished. So, it should be fair game for us to be b!tches.

I asked my therapist about this and she pointed out, when people act like b*tches - whether it be a CEO, parent or spouse - they may get compliance but not loyalty.

People obey out of fear, and when the b!tch is gone, people do whatever they want.

As a parent this is enlightening to me, and I know my therapist is completely right (again, as usual).

It’s so much easier to be tough on my kids to get immediate compliance. What is hard is to be kind and coach them with a series of questions, so they can think through the situation.

The reason I want to stop is I was overly tough last week and when I asked for forgiveness, my daughter said, “That’s okay. I think that’s okay. I forgive you. Mommy, will there ever be a time when I won’t forgive you?”

Those statements and questions broke my heart. I have just a little bit of time before I move into unforgivable territory, so I have to change.

A few days later, when we were encountering the same situation, (we have a standard conflict about being late) I told my daughter to get ready. She was on her Kindle and ignored me.

I was about to get tougher, when I decided to try something new.

I walked over, put my hand on her shoulder, waited for her to look up, looked her in the eye and said, “We leave for church in 15 minutes. Do you want to eat breakfast? I think it’s a good idea so you’re not hungry. Do you want to be late or on time?”

She put down her Kindle and got ready.

Strategies:

1.) Breathe: In the heat of the moment, make sure you breathe so your brain can get out of fight or flight mode, and you can think rationally and reason with the other person.

2.) Repair and Brainstorm: If you botch things up, wait until you’ve cooled down to apologize and repair the situation by doing something kind. Also, discuss what happened and brainstorm with the other person about how to prevent the situation from happening again.

3.) Act: Implement your plan. Practice makes a habit.

4.) Watch Tone of Voice: If you consistently use a scolding or irritated tone of voice (sadly, my standard parenting tone) learn how to vary your voice so you can be warm and inviting. If you bring out the b!tch on a regular basis, people will either ignore you or go into fight or flight and be defensive. You’ve got to let people’s brains relax so they are open to reason.

These tips work across relationships, from parenting and marriage, to the workplace.

What tips do you have for speaking so people can hear you?

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