Want to Be Happier? Try Mental Flexibility

Mental rigidity is a major barrier to my joy.

I never realized this until my therapist pointed it out. (That’s why I’m grateful for therapy, it’s hard to notice your own flawed thinking patterns unless someone else informs you. And it’s especially helpful if that someone else is not someone you’re fighting with at the moment, like your husband. But I digress.)

Mental rigidity is thinking there is a right and a wrong way to do things.

In many instances there is not.

I struggle with this concept because I grew up under traditional Chinese (aka authoritarian) parents. That means parents know best, and “good” kids (even adult “kids”) obey. I grew up being told what to do in everything from my appearance (short hair, out of my face) to my career (accounting or teaching).

As a result, I now find it challenging to make decisions. And more deeply, I fear making the wrong decision.

I’m also a perfectionist and a Christian so not only do I not want to make a wrong decision, I “have to” make the right and perfect decision.

What my therapist has helped me realize is this: in many situations, there is no right or wrong.

For example, if the California wildfires are raging and I can smell smoke and have a hard time breathing, but the Air Quality Index says it’s “safe” to go outside, should I let my kids play outside?

I thought the answer was a hard no, but my therapist said maybe it helps everyone’s mental health if the kids go outside for 20 minutes. It’s up to me. Every family makes their own choice. I’m not a bad parent if my kids play outside and potentially get longterm damage from the smoke, because it might improve everyone’s mental health immediately.

Rather than asking what is right and what is wrong, the questions I should be asking are, “What do I want right now? What do I need? What would make me happy? What would make me feel good?”

Are you kidding me? I never ask those questions.

But maybe that’s why I benefit from therapy - to give myself permission to do what I want instead of what I “should”… or what others want.

Parenting forces flexibility

Having kids has compelled me to be less rigid.

To me, parenting is often one big battle of trying to get little people to do things they don’t want to do.

You have school in 5 minutes, wake up and get out of bed.

Eat the breakfast I made for you.

If you don’t like it, make your own.

Go to school. Why? Because it’s against the law if you don’t.

Go outside.

Exercise.

Do your homework.

Turn off the TV/video games.

Don’t hit your sister.

Stop screaming.

Go to bed.

It’s too late to snuggle. I’m sorry. Go to bed.

You can’t go to the bathroom again. Go to bed.

Even in writing this post, I can see what my problem is: I’m telling my kids what to do. Nobody likes to be bossed around and you can’t make anyone, not even a 3-year old, do anything.

So, my therapist says, I need mental flexibility to adapt and “roll” with the resistance.

I have to creatively motivate people instead of just telling them what to do. And I’ve realized that this idea applies to every single relationship, from my husband, to my colleagues (and even to myself - sometimes the hardest person to motivate of all).

Here are my best tips for enhancing mental flexibility:

1.) Be Curious

One of the primary ways to be more mentally flexible is to be curious. Ask “why” my children don’t want to do something — or why I’m dreading doing something. Once you understand why, you can address the root of the behavior by brainstorming solutions with the other party.

2.) Lower Expectations

Children are not rational. They have big emotions. It can take an hour to get your 3-year old dressed after a bath. That’s okay.

Expect this all — children are wildly irrational and uncontrollable, the person you’re hoping to have a great relationship with doesn’t have the social skills, you’re not perfect — and you’ll be a lot happier.

Accept reality.

3.) Employ Creativity

Flexible thinking has helped me troubleshoot in a variety of areas, like negotiating with my spouse.

Before trying flexible thinking, my husband and I would start at two very different points of an issue and be unable to resolve things, due to either/or and black/white solutions.

Flexible thinking causes me to think of creative compromises.

For example, the other day my husband told me he really wants to travel by plane as a family, as soon as things open up and we adults are vaccinated against Covid. I’m still concerned because our children will not be vaccinated. Although the risk is low for my children, I don’t think it’s necessary to take that risk for a vacation.

My husband was quite distraught because he’s been working very hard and needs a break.

So I proposed that he go away by himself for a weekend (hopefully not by plane) to get his break.

We still haven’t fully resolved that one, but I hope that we can compromise.

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I still struggle a lot with mental rigidity and wanting things a certain way (mine!) but now that I have this insight, I can catch myself when I go down this path. I can ask myself if there’s a more creative way to address the problem, so I can compromise and reach win/win solutions. And often, it’s okay to do things just because I want to, and it makes me happy. I’m learning to have more self compassion and empathy, and prioritize mental health.

How are you demonstrating mental flexibility these days? What’s your criteria for decision making?