Lessons Learned from 15 Years of Marriage (Advice for My Daughters One Day)
The average length of an American marriage is 7 years.
I just celebrated my 15-year anniversary.
My parents had a very unhealthy relationship, to put it mildly.
Before I got married, I was really nervous that my lovely fiancé would change and we’d have an unhealthy marriage.
I’m fortunate that has not been the case.
We’re not perfect but we’re generally happy.
And during these 15 years we’ve survived having two kids, infertility and two miscarriages, extremely busy jobs and a worldwide pandemic (husband works in healthcare - not fun in a pandemic…)
Here’s what I’ve learned about making it work:
Character
To my daughters and all the singles out there: do not, I repeat, do not date or marry someone you “feel sorry for”, “want to help”, or think you can fix.
People typically don’t change much (unless they want to) and you will go through So. Much. Drama.
I’m so grateful I married someone who has great character.
No one is perfect, but do your best to find a relatively healthy (emotionally, relationally, financially, professionally, physically, spiritually, etc.) life partner.
It will make your life so much easier in the long run.
How do you do that?
I found it important to observe the relationships of my partner’s family.
What was his parents’ marriage like? (This one is big. I read somewhere that if you’re wondering what your marriage will be like, picture your mother married to his father.)
Fortunately for me, his parents have a stable marriage.
I also got to know my husband in a church setting so I knew many of his friends and could see he was well-liked and had a good community.
It’s great to get to know your partner in a group setting so you can observe interactions, and figure out his reputation.
Values, Community and Accountability
My husband and I are both Christian so we’re fortunate that if we have a disagreement, we can often find the right answer (if there is one for the situation) through an external, absolute standard, God’s word.
When we struggle, we can always talk to our pastor, friends or older, wiser, spiritual mentors. (I also talk to my therapist.)
There is authority who can speak Truth and wisdom into our lives and marriage.
And I’m fortunate that we both try to follow that authority.
I’ve seen marriages and relationships get really unhealthy when there are secrets and people don’t have outside accountability.
Even worse, one person can gaslight the other, so the person being victimized doesn’t even realize it.
It’s so helpful to have a community involved with your marriage, and people who can speak into unhealthy areas.
Even if you don’t have a lot of mutual friends, you can run scenarios by your friends.
Get a sanity check on practices to see whether they are healthy or not.
Then you can talk to your partner about issues that make you uncomfortable.
Bring up the discomfort quickly because what is tolerated will grow.
Win/Win Negotiation
Like it or not, beneath all of the romance, love and laughter, at the end of the day, a marriage is like a business partnership.
This is especially true if you have children.
There is so much to coordinate — childcare, logistics, finances, schedules, etc. — and there is a lot of negotiation involved.
I used to be a very black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinker.
But going to therapy has opened my eyes to creative, flexible thinking.
Prior to counseling I would think, for example, my husband can either have a big job OR we can have a happy marriage and family life.
Now I try to think about my needs and negotiate with my husband so we can meet everyone’s desires.
Rather than saying no to my husband’s big promotion or trip with the guys, I try to think of ways I can get my needs met too.
For example, yes you can take the promotion AND let’s also do dates and get childcare on the weekends when you work.
Yes, you can play basketball once a week AND I also want to go out by myself once a week while you watch the kids.
Thinking about my needs, voicing them, and coming up with creative ways to make things work for both of us has helped our marriage tremendously.
I’m fortunate that my husband also is amenable to meeting my needs (see the above point about character.)
Make Focused Couple Time a Priority
When life gets busy, especially with kids, it’s easy to de-prioritize your marriage.
After the kids go to bed, I often just want to go to bed myself.
That’s why one of my biggest tips is to schedule dates and rituals for bonding.
Prior to the pandemic, we had dates every weekend.
Currently, we don’t get as many dates as I’d like, but we still do carve out at least one day a week when we can have a family adventure.
I’m typically able to talk to my husband at least a little bit when the kids are around on those adventures, especially when we’re driving and the kids are in the back seat so they can’t participate in the conversation as easily LOL.
And I often do check in with my husband for at least 15-30 minutes after the kids go to bed.
When I feel like we aren’t spending enough time together, I definitely let my husband know and he is often open to connecting, especially now that he’s stepped down from his big role at work.
(Downshifting at work was something he did for our family and I will be forever grateful. We are all so much happier and relaxed now!)
Take Care of Yourself
Finally, one of my biggest tips is to know your own needs and get them met.
You can’t expect people to read your mind, and no one will advocate for you like yourself.
I learned this several years ago through my therapist.
My husband and I had a fight about the TV remote and he went off to the bookstore in a huff. After he left, I didn’t watch TV but rather surfed the web.
My therapist helped me realize that I hadn’t wanted to watch TV, I wanted to spend time with my husband.
She told me, “Figure out your needs and express them before you explode.”
I’ve been working on that for years, because I grew up in a family where many of my needs and desires were negated.
These days, taking care of myself comes in the form of getting sitters almost every day and not having any expectation that I will work during those times.
I can work if I want. (I purposely limit my paid work during this very busy season of life.)
But my therapist also told me I needed to learn how to rest when the sitter is here, so I don’t burn out and get resentful.
I often use the sitter time to read, blog, journal, work on my podcast, do yoga, walk (with friends), or sleep.
I also ensure that I charge a high enough rate for my consulting so when I do work, it’s worth it.
The other self care habit that is huge for me is weekends off / solo getaways.
I need to do more of these because every time I do, I feel so much better when I come home.
It’s great to get a change of scenery, hear myself think, and come up with a new vision for my life.
——
Well, I’m almost out of sitter time for today so I’ll end here so I can go do some yoga and check in with the Happy Asian Woman Facebook community.
How about you - what are you best relationship and marriage tips? From what you’ve observed or experienced, what works and what doesn’t work?
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