Don’t Google… and Other Tips for Supporting an Acutely Sick Family Member
Before my dad got acutely ill, my mom was the one who managed all of his care.
I don’t recommend it because it was a lot for her.
My dad has mild / moderate dementia and is very hard of hearing.
My mom drove him everywhere, managed his meds and doctor appointments, cooked, cleaned and ran the household.
Although my mom was burning out, she didn’t want to hire help due to Covid risks.
Now that my dad’s in the hospital and has 24/7 care, we’ve been able to share the load a tiny bit more.
Here’s what’s helped us during this medical crisis:
Specialize
My sister, God bless her, has been handling almost all of the medical aspects.
Every day she calls the doctors for updates, get questions answered and figures out the plan moving forward.
We’ve discovered it’s best to have one point of contact for all medical issues, so healthcare providers don’t have to repeat themselves.
My mom handles a lot of the day-to-day logistics (researching skilled nursing facilities, etc.) and visits my dad up to twice a day.
I provide a little bit of logistical and mostly moral support to my mom, visiting both my dad and mom a few times a week. (Update: due to Covid the hospital is no longer allowing anyone to visit except my mom.)
I’ve brought my mom a bit of food and I hope her seeing the grandkids, plus an open invite to my home, makes her feel more supported.
Don’t Google
Early on in my dad’s medical crisis, I was googling his symptoms and was convinced he would die within days.
After the kids went to bed, I spent time on the couch crying and talking to my husband.
He told me, “Don’t Google. How is it helping you?”
My mom also heard from her brother that my dad’s symptoms meant he was in the “last stage” of cancer, so she did not even want to proceed with diagnostic testing.
My sister was the level-headed one.
She wanted to get Dad checked out to ensure it wasn’t a simple, easily treatable infection that was causing his symptoms.
Now that we know what we’re dealing with — treatable cancer — at least we have comfort in knowing we’re considering all options for my dad’s care.
It’s a Marathon —> One Day at a Time
In the beginning when I feared my dad might die within days, I was visiting as much as possible, driving 3 hours a day between camp pickup/dropoff, hospital visits and my mom’s house. I was also still parenting my young kids for most of the day until my husband got home at 8 every night.
Now we know my dad may be treated for cancer and prolong his life, I’m trying to pace myself.
My dad’s condition changes daily so I feel guilty that I can’t be there as much as I’d like.
But I know I have to take care of myself and maintain my sanity for the long haul.
My dad is a Christian so I have some comfort in knowing that we’ll be together for eternity, and I don’t need to worry so much. It makes things just a tiny bit easier to bear.
In many ways, I’m concerned about my mom and how she will weather this.
But, as my husband told me, One Day At A Time.
Have you ever supported a family member through a medical crisis? What are you best tips for managing the process?
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